|
Dentists Hate You and
They Are Probably Aliens
By Jason Hastings
Dentists hate you. But I
suppose it’s okay to have an attitude if your entire profession
revolved around pain, radiation, tooth decay, gingivitis, bad
breath, blood and drool.
You dread the visit to the
dentist all day long. You park your car and walk into the
dentist’s office 15 minutes before your scheduled appointment
time in order to sit in their waiting room for an hour and a
half. They teach the receptionist how to arrange such a schedule
in Dental Receptionist College. In Dental Receptionist College
all students are required to minor in How to Create Major
Inconveniences for your Patients. They know that we might
complain about the wait, but we are trapped there and have no
choice. Our complaints are taped by secret microphones and
played back during office parties.
Once you are there you get
to sit down in the well-heated and stuffy waiting room. You can
even watch TV, but you are not allowed to touch it. You have to
watch whatever the dental receptionist wants to watch; game
shows, soap operas and Oprah. This is the beginning of their
sensory deprivation process that makes it easier for them to
perform alien experiments on your body. If you don't feel like
watching TV they have a selection of 2-3 year old magazines for
you. They know that old news will help calm you. If you still
have any wherewithal left after thumbing through the magazines,
your eyes will be hypnotized by the apathetic fish in the
aquarium. Listen to the bubbling aquarium filter. Feeling
sleepy? Listen to the alien music playing on the intercom. It is
Celine Dion. She is the only alien to ever crack the top forty
pop music market.
In the back of your now
dulled state of mind you hear a voice calling. It is the
hygienist. All of a sudden, after waiting 90 minutes, your
appointment has a sense of urgency to it. They want to finish
you up and go home. Now lie down in the comfortable chair. That
chair has special alien gravity powers that hold you down
without straps. Have you ever tried to get up quickly from the
dental chair?
Let the blood pool in your
head as you stare into the bright light. The more blood in your
head, the more calm you are and the more blood they can take
from you and use for evil. Notice the sterile room you are in.
Doesn't it resemble the spaceship operating room that is often
described by hypnotized alien abductees? Now put on the safety
goggles so that bone chips and broken drill bits do not fly out
of your mouth and lodge in your eyeball. Look at the hygienist.
She has a mask and goggles. Is it the same person who led you
into the room? Maybe she is a victim of alien body snatching.
Now gargle with the mystery fluid. It kills the germs in your
mouth that may infect the alien population.
Dental professionals prefer
to talk to you when they have tools and fingers in your mouth.
The odd sounds that you make is actually the alien’s native
language. You don't realize that you are speaking alien and you
soon get frustrated at the apparent lack of communication. Then
you resort to just nodding at whatever they are saying. This is
okay too because they have alien mind reading powers.
The hygienist now goes to
work on you. They do not let you see the tools that they are
sticking in your mouth. They take magician and gambling courses
in dental school and are deft at the sleight-of-hand. There's a
reason they don't want you to see the tools. You would expect
alien tools to be space-aged equipment. But they aren't. The
aliens are sadistic and want to inflict pain on you. They have
been using the same dental surgery tools since the Civil War. If
you attempt to fight their gravity chair and peek at the tool
table, they will shock your exposed nerves with a blast of cold
water or cold air.
How sadistic are dental
professionals? Did you know that the US Army Reserve unit that
got into trouble for abusing prisoners at Abu Graib was a dental
unit? There was a snafu at the assignment office and this
reserve dental unit from West Virginia was mistakenly sent to
relieve a departing military police company at the prison. These
dental professionals were just doing what they were taught to
do. Torturing and humiliating people.
Once the hygienist is done
scraping every exposed nerve in your jaw she calls for the
dentist. He likes the drill. The drill hurts but there are worse
things. He was drilling on one of my teeth one day and we fell
into a routine together. He would drill a little. Stop. Tears
would well up in my eyes. Drill, stop, tears. Drill, stop,
tears. This cycle repeated itself about 4 more times when he
finally asked, "Why do you wince and tear-up when I stop
drilling?" I said, "Doc, it's that music! Every time you stop I
can hear Celine Dion playing! Please keep drilling!"
The dentist is good at using
euphemisms. "You are going to feel a little pressure," means,
"It is going to feel like a yellow jacket stung you on your
tonsil." "You are going to feel a pinch" means, "It will feel
like this needle pierced the roof of your mouth and penetrated
your eyeball."
They speak in a secret code
to the hygienist too. "Suction," means, "Get rid of that quart
of blood that is pooling in the back of his throat." They even
assign a secret numbering system to the dental tools. "Give me a
# 3, or a # 4, or a # 8," is shorthand for "the gum eviscerator,
"the raw dangling nerve pincer," and "the bone pulverizer."
Now it is time for an x-ray.
There is nothing more unearthly than radiation. Do you really
think that a human invented the x-ray machine in the 1890s? That
was quite a leap in medical science going from barber-surgeons
and bloodletting to x-ray machines. Whoever invented the x-ray
machine had some alien help. I really can't explain what this
machine does to you. They jam something into your mouth (a
GPS?), immobilize you with a lead blanket, and then shoot
strange rays at you.
Before you leave they tell
you to floss. They want you to take a nylon wire and rub it in
between your teeth until your gums bleed. This is the same
principle as taking a linoleum knife and running it back and
forth in between your toes. The last thing they tell you before
you leave is not to eat or drink anything for the next 96 hours.
As you exit the building and
walk out to your car in the parking lot you sense a weird
feeling. Though you spent the entire afternoon at the dentist
office it has only felt like five minutes since you first
arrived and got out of your car. This is called "lost time" or
"missing time" and it is the same phenomenon that alien
abductees experience. Coincidence?
.
Click here to return to
San Diego dentist
|
